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Hi. I'm having trouble finding a book. I don't know the title or the author. It's about geography and it has a blue cover.

I'm doing my thesis on the works of Flann O'Brien. Why can't all his books be in the same place? It doesn't matter if some of them are in different languages. I don't see why I should have to walk 20 feet to get a book just because it happens to be under a different classification. What the hell is wrong with you people?

Could you please ignore the line of people trying to borrow books for a moment, and just look something up on Google for me for a second? It's perfectly okay, you see: I'm a Ph. D. student.

I'm going to be a lawyer next year, and I'd like you to look up this citation for me. When I qualify, I'm going to have a secretary to do that for me, so why should I waste my time now?

Yes, I'd like to request a book that's on order. It says the publication date is March 2008. Is there any chance you'll be getting it in the next couple of weeks?

This is just not good enough. Why can't I get one of the only two extant copies of a manuscript from 1624 that's being kept in a sealed chamber in British Columbia by tomorrow? Why does my department have to pay for it? Why can't I just get it for free?

I don't have to pay a fine on this book, because the label clearly states that the fine is 30 pence per day, and we've been using the euro since 1999.

Look, it's perfectly okay. Contact my department. I realise it looks a bit dodgy going out a side exit with a bunch of expensive library books in my hand, but there's a perfectly rational explanation. I'm a Ph. D. student, you see.

I can't remember his name, but he wrote a report about fisheries in the 1970s sometime and I think he may have worked here. I don't know the title of the report or the name of the author. Can you find it for me?

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine here. Have you seen him? His name is Michael and he's from Cork.

I'd like to order a book. Here are the details. The book is already on order? Yes, I realise that. I would like to order it for when they're finished with it. I think their name is Starkmann. It says Starkmann there, under "vendor". Vendor means the person borrowing the book, doesn't it?

Yes, I know the book was on 3 hour desk reserve. But I'm a Ph. D. student.

I live in Limerick. I would like your library to get a 348-page thesis from Dublin on interlibrary loan for me. Since I won't be able to come in to collect it, could you fax me the thesis please?

Could you please organise the library tours for another time? They're very distracting. I can't even hear the person I'm talking to on my mobile.

What do you mean the book is out of print and unavailable from every supplier you've tried? I'm a staff member, doesn't that count for anything?